Can't you see my walls are crumbling?

I know that worrying does no good. Whatsoever. I know that. Yet, all I have done all day is worry. I just feel so helpless and lost and I have this ominous feeling that things are not going to get better anytime soon. Shady tested at 342 last night at 10 pm, which is a little high for that time frame, but it was expected since she had missed a dose and was switched to a new type of insulin. So I wasn't alarmed. But this morning, twice, she tested LOW. LOW as in the tester did not even give me a #, it just said LOW. Which means it's really low. So she ate some honey and some turkey and then I tested her again before I grudgingly left for work and she was at 40. Which is still super low, esp. for her. So Tom tested her again later and she was up to 110, and then before he left she was at 250. So she got better, but what scares me is the unpredictability and inconsistency. There is no pattern, no reason behind any of the readings. I feel so uneasy all of the time. I never feel like things are just going to be fine. It's like I'm always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I hate that feeling.

The vet mentioned testing for Cushing's again. This is something else that is weighing on my mind. Say they test her and she does have it. The treatment, as far as I know, involves chemotherapy, radiation, etc. She's an 11 year old dog of a breed whose life span averages 9-11 years. How could I put her through that? It would be so selfish of me to do, wouldn't it? But how could I live with the guilt of knowing I might have been able to extend her life a little bit longer? But then, does she even want to live longer? Is she miserable? I just don't know.

I heard today that William F. Buckley died. I am not too familiar with him, but I do know of him because we had a dog once named William F. Buckley. My dad named him that. I'm not sure why. Was he a big fan of Buckley? That doesn't seem logical because my dad was a liberal hippie musician, and wasn't Buckley like the poster child of conservatism? I am puzzled but may never know the answer to this.